Sunday, 10 January 2016

The Male 90-Day Rule

So apparently, some guys are trying to hold out spending money on a woman they’re "dating" for 90 days, the way some women have been advised to avoid giving up the goods (or at least try to) for 90 days.

The reason? Men want to avoid being used financially the way women want to avoid being used for sex.

I’ll play devil’s advocate here for a sec and say that there does seem to be some logic behind this reasoning. There are some girls who will entertain a guy, knowing damn well they have zero romantic interest in him, either because they’re bored, they like the attention, they’re trying to take their mind off the guy they REALLY do like or simply because they incapable of a deep meaningful relationship, but don’t mind the perks.

In short, girls that give the rest of us (who are genuinely looking for that meaningful, romantic connection) a bad name.

I personally find the idea of spending a romantic evening with someone who I’m not really interested in a bit of a drag. A free meal or drink wouldn’t be incentive enough for me (I can afford my own anyway, thank you very much) as to me, my time is more valuable and I prefer to spend it with people whose company I enjoy.

Men seem to be missing the point of taking a woman out. To get to know someone it’s about spending TIME, not money. Like I said, I can afford my own drinks, food and entertainment. At the same time, that doesn’t mean I don’t like to be courted by a man I might be interested in romantically. Especially if it was HIM who asked me out and initiated the romantic interest.

Image credit: epicantus
But as princess-ey as I occasionally am, I’d feel like a cheeky freeloader if a guy was paying for everything, all of the time. I actually like to pay occasionally, as it feels good to return the favour and reassure someone you also enjoy their company.

Most women I speak to are the same. If they like a guy, they won’t be put-off if they contributed towards the cost of dates from time to time.

I guess the main thing that bugs me about this philosophy is that using a guy financially and using a woman for her body are being put on the same level when they are in fact, incomparable. One is a personal, intimate act which is why women, who tend to be more emotional, feel like absolute sh*t when a guy smashes and dashes.

Feeling out-of-pocket after a date is annoying, but it’s nothing like a guy acting like he cares and then disappearing once he gets inside your pants (or disappearing when he fails to). To put them on the same level is almost insulting.

And say if a guy does pay for dinner and he gets sex after…what is that, a consolation prize? Does he have to be rewarded sexually every time he does something nice? If that’s the type of relationship a guy’s looking for, perhaps he’d be better off seeking the company of an escort or the like. At least then there’s a guaranteed return on the money he’s spent.

If you’re the type of jaded guy who thinks modern dating is basically glorified prostitution anyway (paying for X amounts of dates before you score sexually) then you’ve got bigger issues and perhaps that’s what’s turning women off, not the fact that you won’t spend money on her.

Call it old-fashioned, but I do think that until a guy is consistent in his interactions with you, namely by seeing and contacting you regularly, he’s just one of many guys that you could potentially be wasting your time, energy and emotions on. Therefore, I personally am not going to sleep with a guy until I feel comfortable that he’s a decent guy, and that assessment will only come with time.

So yes, women do like to be taken out and courted but no, it’s not for the free meal – it’s because they actually want to spend time getting to know someone OUTSIDE of the bedroom.

Unfortunately, most activities come with a cost. If it bothers a guy that much, arrange cheap dates. If I was still getting to know someone, I wouldn’t plan big extravagant dates with a hefty price tag and I wouldn’t expect a guy to either.

So perhaps there’s a solution. Keep the dates modest and low-key, that way you won’t feel shafted if a female doesn’t return your affections. Let’s be honest, it takes the pressure off this way and you guys can focus on getting to know each other.

If you’re showering a woman that you barely know with gifts for no apparent reason, then you’re probably trying too hard anyway. On the flip-side, if you’re like that guy who asked for a refund after he took a girl out for coffee but she declined a second date, then you should probably look for a girl who doesn't mind dating a miser.

Also, much like how women have to differentiate between guys who are just looking for a good time and guys who are open to being in a relationship, perhaps take your time to REALLY get to know a woman properly, beyond texts and IM. Of-course, you can never truly know 100% if someone is being genuine or not, but dating always has its risks.

You could always just Netflix and chill, aka the lazy guy’s method of dating. Problem solved. But whilst chilled out evenings are nice sometimes, most women with standards won’t put up with such lazy dating habits.

So I guess guys are screwed. Just not in the way they hoped :P


  1. Great post!Love the video!
    Kisses and hugs from {a lifestyle, fashion, beauty, and food blog}

  2. I've never given up the goods before locking down the relationship. Not because I expect him to spend but because I need to know he's not after one thing. It's such lazy dating and it worries me. I've told friends countless times if you sleep with them after half an hour of meeting them, expect him not to call you again or have you as a girlfriend. They do it and wonder why they're single. You have to mutually work at it.

    Sophie Elizabeth

    1. That's a good approach – sex has a way of complicating things if you’re still in the process of getting to know each other. Doesn’t matter how much you sugar-coat it, if you’re having sex when you guys aren’t in a relationship you’re basically friends with benefits. Plus, if he is just after that then he won’t stick around for long if he’s not getting it.

      However, I think we have to be careful about using sex as a bargaining tool. Sh*t happens and it’s easy to get carried away in the moment with a cute guy you’ve been seeing regularly over a period of time, even if you haven’t had "the talk" yet. I defo don’t think a relationship will come out of a 1-night stand though.

      I think some guys try to avoid dating as they may have spent time/money on a woman before just for it to lead nowhere. I guess we as women do have a responsibility not to lead a guy on that we're not interested in. Still doesn't excuse lazy-dating habits though especially for those of us who treat guys fairly!

      Thanks for dropping by :]

      - Lubna