Sunday, 15 February 2015

Men Who Don't Change...And Why That's Comforting

I was quite upset when my last relationship ended. Many months later, believe me when I tell you I am so grateful to be out of that relationship; so much so that after months of no contact, when he did get in touch again randomly, I thanked him for the extended period of no contact and suggested it continues.

If he bothers to get in touch again (and I doubt he will), it will be difficult as he is well and truly blocked on every possible avenue for him to try and contact me on.

It’s weird to think of a time where, post-breakup, it would have made my day if I heard from him.

I guess with enough time passing it’s allowed me to see things clearly; you see, I interpreted the breakup as me not being good enough from him…when in reality, he wasn’t good enough for me.

Let me explain before I come across as a deluded, conceited tool. The circumstances of our breakup meant I wasn’t even really dumped to be honest. We had one of them pointless on/off relationships and so I basically broke up with him (multiple times), he would return with some sort of gesture… I would take him back. Lather, rinse, repeat (although sometimes he would initiate the breakups, which never stuck). I took the final breakup so hard because I knew it was over for good this time.

I think it was more the potential that was there that was hard to let go. You know someone so long, you end up developing certain cozy relationship habits that only really come from true intimacy; regular calls, someone to go out to eat with/watch movies with/do your food shopping with, someone who makes sure you got home ok, you know the drill. And we did have some fun times, as well as some mutual interests.

Now, I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m aware of my flaws. But I’m just as aware of my positive attributes. I’m considerate, I know how to empathise and relate to people and I’m easy to chat to. I’m a good friend (sometimes too good a friend, which has led to some trying to take advantage of me). However, all of these qualities are good foundations for a relationship.

As hard it was to let the relationship go, I’ve realised that I have a lot more to offer in a relationship compared to this guy; things that plenty of guys are actually looking for and will actually appreciate.

As much as I want my exes to disappear off the face of the earth, occasional updates do filter through the grapevine and what’s clear is that not much has changed with this guy. I’ve met new people, made new friends and tried new things…whereas he’s still in exactly the same place in his life. I’ve reflected and learnt from the experience, I’ve worked on myself to identify and hopefully rectify unhealthy behaviour patterns whereas this guy, it seems, has learnt…absolutely nothing. He's probably still sat there, clueless and unaware of his awful behaviour and the effect it can have on others.

The behaviour he’s shown since the breakup is predictable and exactly what he was doing when we were still together. All that does is confirm that people rarely change. It doesn't bug me because I'm relieved that it's not my problem anymore.

The thing with men like this is that their prickish tendencies are usually ingrained in their personality at this point (probably as a result of deeper issues). They may appear to be all nice and friendly, just like they were with you in the early stages, but that’s just a façade. Pretty soon, the douchebag inside emerges, just in time for the new victim girl to come to her senses and run for the hills (if she's smart).

I’ve seen it countless times, perhaps because men in my age-range aren’t as emotionally mature as women. You see it with celebs too. The guy appears to move on fast, much to the hurt of the ex. But before you know it, their new relationship has deteriorated as well as the new couple experience the same problems.

The only time men like this manage to hold down a long-term relationship is if it's with someone who is dim/desperate enough to overlook disrespectful behaviour, or if the girl is a carbon copy of himself i.e shallow, vacuous and morally, on the same wavelength. Simple guy, simple girl, simple minds and all that.

It’s not just guys who are assholes though. Women can be too. It takes two people to contribute to the deterioration of a relationship. But with various experiences, you do learn more about yourself and you learn to recognise your flaws, take responsibility for your actions and hopefully make some changes. Some people have that ability to look at themselves, and those around them, and identify what was right/wrong with the situation. The emotionally stunted, however, don’t. They can rarely acknowledge that they did something wrong, if they’re even aware of it.

If you're not reflecting and learning from an experience, how can you improve as a person? And if you’re not improving…well it’s pretty obvious what future relationships are going to be like. I’m willing to bet that men like that usually end up alone, or in very unhappy relationships, because they fail to recognise a real need for change.

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